The Rubber Band Rule: How Seven Rubber Bands Changed My Family

E18 2025 – Rabbi Yaakov Lieder

If you have one minute…

I began noticing that one of my teenage sons was avoiding me. He rarely made eye contact, and when I asked him questions, his responses were limited to a quiet “yes” or “no.” This deeply concerned me. I began to reflect: What am I doing wrong?

After honest introspection, I realised that nearly every interaction I’d recently had with him included some form of correction or criticism. I'd ask, “Why haven’t you done your homework?” or comment, “Can you please dress more neatly?” or “Go help your mother.” In trying to guide him, I was constantly pointing out what needed fixing.

Then I remembered a powerful truth: People may not remember what you said, but they always remember how you made them feel. And being near me didn’t feel good to him. That’s why he was pulling away.

Determined to change the dynamic, I came up with a simple yet powerful strategy. I needed a constant reminder to see and express the good in him—because by default, our eyes tend to spot what’s wrong. So I placed seven rubber bands on my left wrist. My goal each day was to give him seven genuine compliments. Each time I did, I’d move a rubber band from my left wrist to my right.

The rule I set for myself: no criticism until all seven rubber bands had been transferred. Some days, by the time I reached seven, I no longer felt the urge to criticise at all.

The results were almost immediate. My son began seeking me out. He wanted to be near me—because it felt good to be near me.

If you have another minute…

Then I had another insight: If this approach worked so well with my son, why shouldn’t it work in other relationships?

I soon discovered that it does. I began wearing another set of seven rubber bands for my wife, committing to offer her seven sincere compliments each day before saying anything remotely critical. And guess what? Our relationship began to blossom. Small words of appreciation built a bridge between us and brought more warmth and connection than I had imagined.

Torah Teachings That Support This Approach

The Torah has long emphasised the power of speech and the importance of uplifting others:

“Death and life are in the power of the tongue” — Mishlei (Proverbs) 18:21.

Hillel said: “What is hateful to you, do not do to your fellow” — Shabbat 31a.

The Lubavitcher Rebbe often quoted the verse, “You shall love your fellow as yourself” — Vayikra 19:18.

What Modern Psychology Says

Modern psychology confirms what our sages have taught for centuries:

Dr. John Gottman a renowned relationship researcher, found that successful relationships maintain a 5:1 ratio of positive interactions to negative ones: “Don’t say anything negative till you’ve said five positive.” Dr. Carol Dweck known for her work on the growth mindset, stresses the importance of reinforcing effort and character rather than pointing out flaws. Children flourish when they feel seen for their strengths, not shamed for their shortcomings.

Daniel Goleman, author of Emotional Intelligence, writes that people thrive in emotionally safe environments. When individuals feel judged, they shut down. When they feel appreciated, they open up.

Final Reflection

Looking back, I’m humbled that I didn’t realise earlier what now seems so clear. The wisdom of our sages and the findings of contemporary science converge on this one timeless truth:

If you want someone to come closer, don’t push them away with criticism—pull them in with kindness.

Sometimes, all it takes to change a relationship is a handful of rubber bands… and a heart committed to seeing the good.

To see a video on the subject, visit: https://liedereducation.com/

This publication is sponsored by Avi Josh & Yaffa Moorvitch in honor of their children Michal, Aviva, Dina, Ellie, Nava, Gavi and Avi.

For more blogs, go to https://www.jfc.org.au/blog and for videos, go to https://www.youtube.com/@liederrelationshipandparen7760/videos