The Torah’s Timeless Insight: Love Takes Time

Real Giving Begins With Listening:  A Torah Take on Emotional Generosity

If you have 30 seconds

The Torah tells us (Deuteronomy 15:8) to help the poor person with "whatever he is lacking." The Sages go even further — if he once had servants or a horse to ride, and they were essential to maintaining his dignity, we are obligated to restore those too. It’s not just about his survival. It’s about his humanity.

This mirrors modern relationship wisdom from The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman. He teaches us that love should be expressed in the way the other person needs, not how we prefer to give it. Whether it’s words, time, service, gifts, or touch, what matters most is listening to their need.

Torah and psychology agree: True giving is not about what you offer — it’s about what the other person is missing.

Which means — according to both the Torah and Dr. Chapman — your spouse might actually be right about feeling unloved. Now what? 😅

If You Have Another Minute…

In Deuteronomy 15:8, we read, “You shall surely open your hand to him... sufficient for his need, whatever he is lacking.”

The Talmud (Ketubot 67b) brings this verse to life with a striking example: A once-wealthy man, now impoverished, was used to having a horse to ride and a servant to run before him. The Sages ruled that if the donor can afford it, he must restore even these seemingly luxurious elements, because for this man, they were not a luxury. It was what gave him dignity.

This reveals something profound: Tzedakah is not just about providing bread. It’s about restoring a person’s sense of identity and self-worth. Giving, in the Torah, is not transactional — it is transformational. It’s not just generosity; it’s empathic justice.

And this is not limited to financial support. It’s true in relationships too — especially in marriage.

A couple with different love languages

💞 A Marriage Example: Two Love Languages

Consider Daniel and Miriam. Daniel’s love language is Acts of Service. He expresses love by doing the shopping, taking out the bins, and fixing things around the house.

Miriam, however, thrives on Words of Affirmation. She doesn't want him to mop the floor; she wants him to say, “You looked beautiful at dinner,” or “I admire how much you give to our family.”

Daniel is showing love, but Miriam isn’t feeling it — because he’s speaking his love language, not hers.

When they both understand this misalignment, things change. Daniel starts verbalising his appreciation. Miriam, in turn, recognises that his quiet acts of service are his way of saying “I love you.”

The result? Connection, harmony, and a deeper appreciation for each other.

🕊️ Giving on Their Terms, Not Yours

Whether it's giving charity to a struggling stranger or giving love to someone close to you, the Torah teaches us to focus not on what we’re comfortable giving, but on what the other person is truly missing.

And this is precisely where modern psychology aligns with a truth the Torah taught us thousands of years ago: Real giving begins not only with the hand, but with the heart — and with the deep, courageous willingness to truly listen.

This publication is dedicated by Rabbi Sruli Schochet from Los Angeles, California, in memory of his late father

לע"נ הרב יעקב עמנואל בן הרב דוב יהודה ע"ה

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