If You Have 30 Seconds:
During a recent dinner with a couple and their children, I witnessed an interaction that left a lasting impression. About an hour into the meal, the mother suddenly realized that her 10-year-old daughter was absent. Concerned, she turned to her 15-year-old son, Max, who was deeply engaged in a meaningful conversation with his peers. Gently tapping him on the shoulder, she asked, "Max, could you please stop what you're doing and go check on your sister at her friend’s house? I'm worried about her."
I noticed the conflict on Max's face. He was clearly immersed in his discussion, yet he paused and looked at his mother, asking a question that struck me deeply: "Do I have a choice?"
His question wasn’t one of defiance but about understanding. He wanted to know if this was a request or a directive. His mother responded, "No, in this case, you don’t have a choice."
Without hesitation, Max replied, "Sure, Mom." He left immediately, returning half an hour later with his sister. Upon his return, he shared that he knows that, whenever possible, his mother gives him choices. However, there are certain things his mother asks of him that are non-negotiable, and he respects that.
This experience highlighted an essential principle in parenting and leadership, especially for today's youth. It can be found in a letter written by the Lubavitcher Rebbe in 1954 (Igros Kodesh, Vol. 8, p. 42), in which he advised against expecting blind obedience from teenagers. The Rebbe emphasized the importance of offering choices whenever possible. The more we empower children with the option to make a decision, the more they cooperate, and the deeper and longer-lasting our influence becomes.
If You Have Another Minute:
The Rebbe often spoke about the future era of redemption, emphasizing a world where people would naturally align their will with divine values, rendering enforcement unnecessary. In the times of Moshiach (the Messiah), the Rebbe explained, the world will reach a state of spiritual refinement where people will willingly and joyfully follow G-d's commandments out of understanding and inner conviction, rather than compulsion (Sicha Shoftim 5751).
In this future era, the role of the police, traditionally needed to uphold the law, will evolve. Instead of enforcing compliance, these figures will become advisors and mentors, guiding people through wisdom and understanding instead. This reflects the idea that when people truly understand the purpose and beauty of the commandments, they will naturally desire to follow them without the need for external enforcement.
The Rebbe encouraged practicing these ideals today, especially in how we educate and lead others. By fostering an environment of understanding, choice, and internal motivation rather than mere obedience, we can begin to mirror the elevated state of the world as it will be in the time of redemption. This approach not only enhances cooperation but also deepens the individual's appreciation of and connection to their faith and values.
So, What Kind of Parent Are You?
Are you a judge, who lays down the law without room for discussion? Or are you an advisor, guiding your children with wisdom and understanding, helping them internalize what is right? Perhaps you strive to be both, setting boundaries when necessary but always seeking to explain and empower. The choice is yours, and the impact on your child’s future is profound.
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