E4 2025
February 2025
By Rabbi Yaakov Lieder
If you have 30 seconds
Whenever someone offers me feedback, the first thing I do is ask: Is this guidance meant to help me improve, or is it simply criticism for its own sake?
A powerful example of this distinction comes from Exodus 18:13–23. Yitro observed the people standing from morning until night waiting for Moses to resolve their disputes.
Recognising the crushing workload Moses bore, Yitro told him:
"What you are doing is not good. You will surely wear yourself out. You cannot do it alone; you will fall apart."
However, Yitro did more than identify the problem—he offered a practical solution. He advised Moses to delegate responsibilities by appointing capable judges to handle everyday cases, leaving only the most complex matters for himself.
Yitro’s approach was not about finding fault but about offering insight that could lead to a more effective system. His words were not meant to discourage but to empower. He acknowledged the challenge and provided a thoughtful alternative:
“Therefore, listen to me. I will give you advice," Yitro said.
This example illustrates the difference between criticism that uplifts and criticism that merely points out flaws. Words, when used wisely, have the power to inspire growth and transformation.
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If you have another 40 seconds,
I'd like to share how I applied this concept in my role as a school principal.
Whenever a student was sent to my office for misbehaviour, I never began with reprimands. Instead, I would say, "You may have momentarily forgotten how good you are. This action does not reflect the person I know you to be."
I would then ask the student to write a statement emphasising their positive qualities and read it aloud to me. Rather than focusing on punishment, my approach centred on reflection and growth. I would ask, "Let’s think together—how might you handle a situation like this more effectively in the future?"
My goal was always to ensure that the student left my office feeling uplifted rather than discouraged, empowered to make better choices.
Over time, I noticed something remarkable. When a student walked into my office again, it was not with defiance but with a sense of regret—not because they feared punishment, but because they knew they were capable of doing better. I firmly believe that you cannot make a child behave good by making them feel bad. This principle applies not only to young children but to people of all ages.
Final Thought
Jewish wisdom teaches that rebuke, when given with care and purpose, should always uplift and guide rather than simply criticise. Yitro’s approach serves as a timeless model—words should build, not break, and encourage growth, wisdom, and success.
For more blogs go to https://www.jfc.org.au/blog
and for videos go to https://www.youtube.com/@liederrelationshipandparen7760/videos
This publication is kindly sponsored by:
The Molayem Family, Los Angeles, California
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