Don’t Ask Why—Ask What
The ultimate key to happiness
E1/2026
This publication is dedicated by Chaim and Tzippy Lieder in honour of their daughter Sarah Aliya.
If you have 45 seconds….
We have just emerged from the story of Purim, when we read the Megillah - Megillat Esther, and relive one of the most dramatic turning points in our history.
At the heart of the narrative is a sharp and defining exchange between Mordechai and Queen Esther. Mordechai urges Esther to approach King Achashverosh and plead on behalf of her people. Esther hesitates. She explains that anyone who approaches the king without being summoned risks death and she has not been called for thirty days.
Mordechai’s response is both challenging and empowering. He tells her that she must go. And then he utters the words that echo through the generations:
“ומי יודע אם לעת כזאת הגעת למלכות —And who knows if it is for a time like this that you have attained royalty?” (Esther 4:14).
In that moment, Mordechai reframes Esther’s entire perspective. Instead of asking, “Why is this happening to me?” he invites her to ask, “What can I do now that I am here?
”Each of us carries a vision of how our life is meant to unfold; five-year plans, ten-year plans, carefully drawn expectations. Yet life does not always cooperate. Circumstances shift. Doors close. Challenges arise.
The natural response is to ask, “Why?” Why did this happen? Why me? Why now? But “why” often leads to paralysis, frustration, and even despair.
Mordechai teaches a different question: What?
What is being asked of me in this moment?
What opportunity lies hidden within this challenge?
What responsibility accompanies the position I now occupy?
When Esther changed her question, she changed history. She acted with courage, wisdom, and faith and through her initiative, the decree against the Jewish people was overturned.
If you have another minute...
Modern psychology strongly affirms this ancient wisdom.
One of the most widely studied ideas in contemporary psychology is a person’s sense of control over their own life and destiny. When people believe that their actions and choices influence the direction of their lives, they tend to feel more capable, resilient, and hopeful in the face of challenges.
However, when things do not go as expected, many people become preoccupied with asking why something happened. If the explanation appears to lie outside their influence, they may gradually begin to feel that life simply happens to them rather than through them. Over time, this can create a mindset in which a person feels powerless, as though they are merely reacting to circumstances rather than shaping them.
Psychologists have consistently found that when individuals lose their sense of personal influence over events, they are more likely to experience feelings of anxiety, helplessness, and even depression. By contrast, those who focus on what they can still do even in difficult situations tend to maintain a healthier, more constructive outlook on life.
Viktor Frankl observed that those who survived extreme adversity were not necessarily those who understood why suffering occurred but those who found purpose in responding to it. Meaning is discovered not in explanation, but in responsibility.
Positive psychology also highlights this: Resilience grows when individuals reframe challenges as opportunities for growth. This is known as cognitive reappraisal. The question is not denial of pain; it is direction of response.
Takeaway Action:
The next time you feel stuck, disappointed, or overwhelmed, pause and change one word.
Don’t ask, “Why is this happening to me?”
Ask, “What is this moment asking of me?
”Then choose one small, concrete action: a phone call, a conversation, a decision, a step forward.
You may not control the circumstances. But you always control your response.
And that single shift from why to what can change the direction of your life.
For more blogs, go to https://www.jfc.org.au/blog
and for videos, go to https://www.youtube.com/@liederrelationshipandparen7760/videos
Comments