The 16-Minute Marriage: What Torah and Psychology Say About Time and Love

If you have 30 seconds

 The Torah’s Timeless Insight: Love Takes Time

In Exodus 21:10, the Torah lays out the husband’s obligations to his wife — “Her food, her clothing, and her onah he shall not diminish.”

The word onah is often translated as conjugal intimacy, but its root — עונה (onah) — means time or season. This subtle word choice carries profound wisdom: a thriving marriage is built on the regular investment of time.

In Judaism, physical closeness is not just a matter of biology but a reflection of emotional presence. To deny a spouse onah isn’t just to deny physical intimacy. It’s to deny time, attention, and emotional connection.

The Torah understood — long before relationship science — that love isn’t sustained by grand gestures alone, but by daily moments of being there.

Today’s relationship experts echo what the Torah taught millennia ago. According to multiple studies, the average couple spends just 16 minutes a day in meaningful conversation.

This number is cited in articles from Psychology Today and highlighted by researchers like Dr. John Gottman, one of the world’s leading relationship psychologists. The Gottman Institute emphasises the importance of “emotional bids” and small, consistent moments of connection.

Why Emotional Bids Matter

Over time, the way people respond to these tiny moments determines the strength of their relationship. The Gottmans found that couples who stay together successfully “turn toward” each other’s bids about 86% of the time, while those who divorce turn toward only about 33% of the time.

🔹 How to Recognise and Respond to Bids

• Be present and attentive. Many bids are subtle.

• Tune in emotionally. Ask, “What is this person really asking for?”

• Respond with warmth. Even a small smile or nod counts.

• Don’t ignore the little things. They add up.

If you have another minute

 Modern Psychology Catches Up: The Power of 16 Minutes                                                                   

Sixteen minutes. That’s all. And yet, those 16 minutes, used well, can mean the difference between closeness and drifting apart. 

One therapist joked, “A husband told his wife, “I said I loved you on our wedding day. If anything changes, I’ll let you know.”  (Needless to say, that didn’t end well.)

Psychologists strongly advise couples to schedule time daily or weekly to talk — not about problems or responsibilities, but about appreciation, dreams, and affection. A short coffee chat. A 10-minute check-in. A moment of eye contact that says, You still matter to me.

Summary: You Will Spend the Time. The Question Is When and How

The Torah and modern psychology are completely aligned:  Time is the foundation of love.

Whether it’s the Torah’s onah or psychology’s “daily emotional connection,” the message is the same: your marriage needs your time.

Practical Tips to Improve Emotional Bids in Marriage

1. Notice bids. Slow down and tune in to small moments.

2. Be responsive. Even a small “mmm” or smile shows you're engaged.

3. Make your own bids. Express your needs clearly and kindly.

4. Discuss it. Talk with your spouse about how you each give and receive connection.

And here’s the real choice: 

Will you invest time now — in joy, in love, in building something strong?  Or will you spend time later — in stress, in disconnection, in damage control?

You will spend the time. The only question is whether it will be time well spent.

This publication is dedicated in honour of Liora Kremnizer on the occasion of her 13th birthday

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