The “However” Effect: How One Word Can Build or Break Confidence

E15/2025

Part I: Personal Perspective— Education and Life Experience

If you have 30 seconds…

In my early years as a principal, before every parent-teacher night, I would gather the teachers and give what I thought was a crucial piece of guidance:“Always begin with the positive.”

When discussing Johnny with a parent, start by saying, “Johnny is doing very well in maths” before addressing areas where he may be struggling. Why? Because first impressions matter, and what we say first sets the emotional tone for what follows.

Later in life, I noticed this same communication pattern in the Torah story of the spies (Numbers 13:28-30). When the spies returned from the Land of Israel, they began by highlighting the good:“We came to the land… and indeed it flows with milk and honey, and this is its fruit.”Only then did they mention the challenges: “However, the people who dwell in the land are strong…”

At first glance, it seems they followed the model I encouraged: good news first, then concerns. But something always bothered me — despite their factual report, the Torah criticises them harshly. Why?

Part II: Torah Insight The Story of the Spies and the Hidden Power of “But” and “However”

Because when you say:“Johnny is doing well in maths. However, he's struggling in English,” the “however” cancels out the praise. It shifts the parent’s attention from pride to concern, even if the good came first.

Instead, what if we reversed the sentence?“Johnny is struggling in English. But he's doing very well in maths.”Now, we’re leaving the parent with hope, confidence, and a reminder that their child is capable.

The spies may have started positively, but their use of the word efes (translated as “however”) turned their entire message into one of fear and defeat. That small word changed history.

Part III: Modern Psychology Research, Relationships, and Reinforcement

If you have another minute...

Modern psychology fully supports this insight, as the following concepts demonstrate:

1. The Primacy and Recency Effect. People remember the first and last things they hear most clearly. Ending on a negative leaves a negative emotional residue; ending on a positive note helps the listener walk away feeling capable and encouraged.

2. Positive Reinforcement. Skinner’s behaviourism teaches that people are more likely to repeat behaviours that are rewarded. Focusing on what a person is doing right encourages them to do more of it.

3. Growth Mindset (Carol Dweck). When we praise effort and potential, we reinforce the belief that improvement is possible. Instead of saying, “You usually don’t do homework, but today you did,” we flip it: “You usually do your homework, so I was surprised you missed it today. I’m sure you’ll get back on track.”

4. The Compliment Sandwich Technique (use sparingly). A common practice in management and education is to insert constructive feedback between two positives. Yet, if the “sandwich” always follows the same formula, people begin to anticipate the criticism and discount the praise. Authenticity matters more than formula.

A practical example: Imagine a wife saying to her husband, “You’ve been helping more with the kids lately. However, you still don’t listen when I talk about my day.”That “however” cancels the praise.

Now reverse it: "Sometimes I feel you don’t really hear me when I talk about my day. But I’ve noticed how much more you’ve been helping with the kids lately — and I really appreciate it. ”Suddenly, the husband hears what he’s doing right. He feels respected, not criticised. And he’s more likely to want to improve.

In Summary

- The Torah taught us the importance of what we say and how we say it.

- The spies’ use of “however” neutralised the good and seeded doubt.

- In education, parenting, and relationships, ending with encouragement gives people strength to improve.

Psychology confirms that our words shape emotions, self-image, and future behaviour.

A child who hears, “Usually you do your homework; today you didn’t, but I know you can get back on track,” walks away feeling capable, not criticised.

This publication is dedicated in loving memory of the late Mrs Mesuda Dadon, in honour of her Yahrzeit on the 29th of Sivan.

May her memory be a source of blessing for her family and all who knew her.